Claire Evers

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HOW TO SET THEM, ENFORCE THEM, AND HOW TO KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO WALK AWAY.

Everyone talks about energy vampires. They’re bad.

But let’s talk about energy protectors. A.K.A. ‘Healthy Relationship Boundaries’

It’s not shutting people out, slamming the doors, calling people names, or anything aggressive. It’s simply showing people where the door is after you’ve closed every window they can sneak into.

You need Healthy Boundaries in every aspect of our life. You need emotional boundaries so your basic needs aren’t dismissed. You need professional boundaries to help you achieve a proper work-life balance and ensure your safety. You need boundaries in your friendships, or personal boundaries, so that you never feel pressured to go along with compromising behaviors.

Learning to say ‘no’

It all feeds into our choices.

Will I let someone take over my free time for their own personal gain, even though it will cost me the time I need to pursue my goals or take care of my basic needs?

If you can easily say ‘no’ to someone who asks for favors, it’s most likely that you have a well-established base for healthy relationship boundaries.

For others, learning to say ‘no’ is hard.

Why is it so hard to say ‘no’?

Family patterns

Were you ever allowed to just say ‘no’ when you were a child? To your parents? To your friends? To your extended family members?

Or was your right to the word ‘no’ taken from you?

Did you grow up feeling loved and supported, with your emotional and physical needs for safety and nurturing met, or was the love you were given more conditional?

Social or romantic patterns

Maybe you grew up in a loving home, but you experienced social rejection at school or in your activities. Maybe you endured a toxic relationship where you were made to feel bad by not pleasing every whim of your partner or friend. It’s possible that any of these experiences placed in you a deep need to people please.

Which might be why you say ‘yes’ so often, especially when what you should really be saying is ‘no’.

This isn’t a judgment. It’s meant to be a revelation.

You always have a choice

You have the right to say ‘no’. And to do so without automatically feeling bad about yourself, or having other people try to make you feel bad about yourself.

The hardest places to do battle are closer to home. We want our family and other loved ones to be happy with us. It’s natural. What isn’t natural is allowing guilt, low self-esteem or concern over the other person’s reaction to rule our every choice.

And you do have a choice. Even if someone wants to make you feel otherwise.

Professional Struggles

Feeling like you can’t say no to ‘opportunities’ that take you away from your regular duties or family without negative repercussions.

Extended Family

Maybe your struggles are with extended family. It’s easy to feel guilty for not going along with what your family desires. Arguing with family is hard. Especially if it’s over something that seems so simple to solve.

Social

Maybe your struggles are with peer pressure. Perhaps that’s with friends, organizations, or just society’s pressure to always have a highlight reel flowing through your social media.

Whatever you’re going through, I hope you take a step back to look at the bigger picture and see where you’re compromising about your own needs.

Getting honest with yourself

Be honest with yourself. Are you allowed to say ‘no’ in whatever situation you face? Will the people around you respect your need to take care of yourself before them? Is self-care something your circle talks about? Is having a healthy and sustainable work-life balance important to your employer?

If the answer is no to any of these, what change do you need to make? You might have to say more than just a plain old ‘no’ if people are expecting you to say ‘yes’. Old patterns die hard.

But what you allow will continue.

Is what you’re allowing something that will allow you to thrive?

It could be time for some difficult conversations, which is really just a codeword for healthy communication. Not every conversation feels wonderful when you start out, but talking things through can save you more heartache than you realize.

Communication

How will taking ownership in communication most likely improve a relationship?

You don’t have to be a professional mediator to understand how vital communication is, especially during times of conflict. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that things will never change unless we talk things through. If your partner/friend/family member/employer is willing to hear you out and make changes to allow for your emotional or psychological, or even physical health, you’re already on the right track.

A person who cares about you will listen. They may not always like what you have to say. But if they care, they’ll listen, then you can come to an understanding of how things can work in the future. These are just a few examples of how to get the conversation going.

• I can’t have in-depth financial discussions right before bed because it disturbs my sleep.
• I can’t host or travel for a holiday because it causes me significant anxiety.
• I feel upset when you share the details of my personal life with people I don’t know.
• I can’t come in for extra shifts at that time, I have a family obligation.
• I don’t appreciate the way you spoke to me when …

What should I do if someone doesn’t respect my need for boundaries?

You repeat the boundary and act in a way that shows you expect them to respect what you’ve shown to them. If they still don’t respect your necessary boundaries, it’s time to make a hard choice.

Change your relationship.

The boundaries are the non-negotiable. Not the relationship. It can be painful to walk away from a situation you once thought meaningful, but it is never sustainable to stay where your basic needs are met with disrespect.

When do I know that it’s time to walk away?

You’ll know. Our guts are instinctive for a reason.

But just in case, here a few examples.

• Your spouse won’t allow you time to manage your physical health, but demands you cook/clean/entertain/pleasure them in their timing or choosing.
• Your extended family shames you for doing things differently than what they would do. You’ve communicated your needs and asked them to stop the behavior, and they still continue, even to the extreme of becoming hostile. This is even more offensive behavior in the presence of a (or your) child.
• Your partner routinely undermines your parenting behavior, pokes fun at your commitment to parenting, or calls you names and routinely makes you the butt of the joke. This is even more offensive behavior in the presence of a (or your) child.
• Your boss threatens to fire you if you don’t come in for overtime, even though you’ve already done so multiple times, despite your personal circumstances.
• Your boss demands you be available 24/7, no matter your personal circumstances.
• Your friend repeatedly shares details of your personal life with others despite your repeated attempts to get them to stop.
• Any form of shaming language or hostility towards you when you communicate your basic needs.
• Threats.
• Bullying despite communication.

What if I’m not ready to walk away?

It’s up to you. Only you have the power to change your life. But if you stay- stick hard to your boundaries, no matter what attitude they’re met with. Maybe in time the person you’re dealing with will see how important your boundaries are.

Or maybe they won’t.

You need to be prepared to venture forward with open eyes.

The only real apology worth accepting is changed behavior. Everything else is just words.

Don’t accept words. They won’t rebuild the parts of you that ache for respect. Actions will. Actions repeated over time. Fully changed attitudes. Fully changed behaviors.

Anything else is a lie meant to distract you from your pain long enough to make you forget how much it hurts when your boundaries are squashed.

What if I need help walking away from an unhealthy situation?

Financial boundaries

You’re not alone, we all need support in one way or another. Maybe for you it’s financial while you look for another job. There are governmental assists as well as local charities that can help. Family or friends may be willing to help as well, but involving those people with your financial situation- long term- can be extraordinarily tricky. Try for independence or outside help if at all possible.

Romantic and relationship boundaries

You may have to break up with a friend or romantic partner. Hopefully by the time you feel the need to walk away the understanding will be mutual. But it can easily be another scenario.

It’s okay to ask for backup from anyone you know.

Ask for help

If you are worried about fleeing an abuser, please look for your local shelter for abused women, men or children. Ask for help. Local churches and charities are there for a reason. No one will shame you for asking.

Domestic abuse has become a topic more people are willing to acknowledge and do something about, especially since COVID hit. You are not at fault. You are a person and you deserve respect, love, safety and so much more!

I hope this post finds you in a safe and happy place, but if it doesn’t, please remember your worth, and don’t be afraid to acknowledge it, no matter what the people around you do.

May God Bless You and Keep You.

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