Claire Evers

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It’s a strange thing. We grow up doing things a certain way and never really notice how unique our approaches to life really are. Over time, as we make our way out into the world, we might notice that how we function as a person, or a cog in the wheel of society, is more than just a product of our own choices.

We aren’t stuck in whatever situation we’re in, but we might need to learn about our history, take a good hard look at the patterns we were raised with, or behaviors emulated to us, to better understand what we are bringing into this world.

This type of self-assessment requires an honest self-awareness that can only come after you’ve truly decided to be objective about yourself and your family and/or caregivers so you can decide if you are repeating bad relationship patterns as well.

But how do we do this?

Identifying Relationship Patterns

Sit back and identify how you react to different types of stimulation. Like how you handle your stress, your emotions, your conflicts, your time, other people’s time, other peoples’ conflicts, other peoples’ emotions, other peoples’ stresses. Some of our behaviors may stem from negative relationship patterns.

• What types of behavior are allowed?
• What types of behavior are frowned upon?
• Where does the shame or guilt lie in your relationships?
• Are you expected to make excuses for family, friends, or other loved ones no matter their behavioral patterns?
• Is standing up for yourself encouraged behavior, or considered dramatic or disrespectful?

Acknowledge

This is even tougher than identifying destructive patterns. You have to acknowledge where you learned them, and how you now use them, or could use them in the future. This takes a brutal level of honesty most people would rather run from than ever use.

Inherited Patterns

It takes intentionality to start fresh with an informed view on the destructive patterns that have been carried down throughout your family. Or perhaps, not your family. It could very well be your partner’s family. As someone who’s been in this type of situation, I can say from a long and painful experience, it isn’t easy to call attention to unhealthy patterns for your partner and their family. They may want to deny the situation, or the way it’s affecting you or themselves.

It’s natural to want to make excuses for family. We want to see the best in the people we love and since we may have been raised to think that our parents or grandparents only want the best for us, removing the blinders- not only for ourselves- but for our partner is a delicate process.

Your partner’s inherited relationship patterns

No one wants to be the bad guy and have to point out what’s wrong or hurtful. Confrontation can be difficult, especially if the person you’re talking to doesn’t want to acknowledge the problem right away. In this type of situation be patient, but firm.

Your needs matter and they will need to be addressed, but everyone deserves a chance to make a choice. As painful as it may be to wait, sometimes, giving your partner the chance to realize for themselves what type of situation you’re in can be a pivotal turning point. It won’t be just you fighting for a healthier future anymore, and you didn’t need to force their hand.

The effects of our inner circle

We tend to emulate more easily than actually learn. Instinctive patterns can form more quickly than you’d realize even if you weren’t born into them. Research suggests that it only takes ten weeks to form a habit. If you’ve spent that time around a partner who has formed unhealthy patterns due to parentage, and you spend time around the family as well, you may very well become more susceptible to their influence than you realize, unless you are allowed to outright reject the behaviors you know to be unhealthy.

Our inner circle has a massive effect on our overall health and well-being. The people who have access to, or influence over you, no matter how small, carry more power than you think, especially if their aim isn’t to encourage the best for you. Sitting back and seeing, then saying what is wrong is necessary, though, to identifying relationship patterns.

Types of Harmful Relationship Patterns

Some of these relationship patterns may sound familiar and easy to identify. Others can be applied in more subtle ways, and are therefore tougher to identify until you’ve known someone for a long time, and even then, you may not notice the behavior because it has been portrayed to you as a normal, if not healthy relationship pattern.

Here are some examples:

• Financial manipulation
• Emotional manipulation
• Parental rights manipulation
• Shaming patterns
• Guilting patterns
• Verbal abuse
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Gas-lighting
• Long-term inconsistencies
  • What I like to call the ‘carrot and stick mentality’
  • Refers to situations where a person tells you they love you and want nothing but the best for you, will do something nice for you, then turn around and exhibit toxic behavior, possibly listed above.
  • This flip-flopping behavior could be exhibited over the course of a day, or be drawn out over months of time. As someone whose lived through this, I can tell you it can be hard to identify this at first, and the person(s) you’re dealing with may be a highly manipulative individual(s). Abusers, unfortunately, usually are.

Mistakes and Patterns

Before we go on, I just want to give you a moment to take that list in and consider the patterns in your relationships. Sometimes people are human and make mistakes. We all do.

Abuse and trauma-inflicting behavior are a different story. Mistakes made more than once have the potential for becoming patterns; and mistakes made over and over again, with the full knowledge of how hurtful the behavior is to you, is a known pattern to the person exhibiting it. They are doing it on purpose.

If you are reading this, I hope you will seek professional help if you find yourself in a situation that requires expert help to navigate.

Acceptance

Now you allow yourself to feel what you’ve likely ignored, or been taught to ignore. This step is painful, confusing, and isn’t something that is a one-and-done type of operation. Breaking toxic relationship patterns is hard (and painful) work. You may find yourself coming back to this step with a variety of different emotions each and every time you revisit the trauma. This is normal and natural. In order to build healthy relationship patterns, or at the very least avoid repeating bad relationship patterns, you will need to determine the true effects of the patterns in your life, some of which may involve trauma or stress disorders like CPTSD, Anxiety or Depression among others.

Letting Go

Some people would call this forgiveness – an altogether tricky situation- especially if the types of trauma you endured left deep emotional scars, or the perpetrators of the trauma are people that should never have been allowed access to you in the first place. I’m not saying you need to make excuses for what happened to you, or even that you need to actively reconcile with anyone or glorify your traumas as something that toughened you up to survive in this world. Pain is pain, period. And if you choose to let go by forgiving- you can forgive from a distance and on a timeline that is emotionally healthy and/or appropriate for you.

It’s difficult to forgive if you haven’t properly processed the pain.

Because I know that some people will balk at the idea of forgiving people who routinely hurt you, I just need to be clear: forgiving and letting go isn’t for them. It’s for you. And only you can determine if that’s what you need to do, or how much you are willing to let go and forgive.

Also- forgiving isn’t forgetting. You may still need boundaries with people, even if you’ve chosen to reconcile with them. You are a valuable human being. Boundaries are good, forgiving is up to you, in your timeline and in your own way.

Building Healthy Relationship Patterns

Start Over

If you want to break unhealthy relationship patterns, then you will need to be the person who turns to the next page and writes as though nothing came before now.

It’s impossible to build a new future if you allow yourself to continue to fight the past. The past is there, but it is behind you. Once you’ve processed what you need to process, the next step is building new patterns. These patterns may feel counterintuitive for a time, but they will allow yourself, and if you’re a parent, patterns that will give you and your child a brighter future.

Be patient with yourself

Don’t be afraid to give yourself some grace as you forge this new path as there may some hiccups along the way. We are all works in progress and any time you hit a misstep or take longer to take the next step, please don’t give up or go hard on yourself, you’re only human.

Set clear goals

Setting clear goals of the type of healthy relationship patterns you’d like to set, research strategies for your particular challenges. Not every pattern of behavior you’re trying to break from will be dealt with in the same way. Avoiding financial manipulation may require separating yourself and your finances from your manipulator. Dealing with professional manipulation may require setting a healthier boundary or switching jobs or careers. As difficult as these changes may be, the goal must always be to build a better, healthier future.

Revisit your reasons for change

Remind yourself daily of what it is you are doing, and why you are doing it. Anyone is capable of stopping patterns of abuse or negative relationship patterns and form healthier relationship patterns. Just remember your why.

Take care of yourself

Mindfulness, meditation and self-care are critical as you move forward. These three things will help to keep you focused in each moment, calm and present, with enough fuel in your tank to establish healthy relationship patterns. If you feel yourself becoming depleted, don’t be afraid to take a Mental Health Day to avoid emotional burnout.

Keep the future in mind

Know there’s an inexplicable joy that comes from realizing that all those unhealthy things you learned stop with you. The differences between the generations become more apparent as you go and the peace that comes from building a better life for yourself, partner, child … you name it, there are long-reaching consequences that couldn’t have come about except for in an environment where love, acceptance, kindness and respect are the norm, instead of whatever held authority before your choice to break from toxic relationship patterns.

Belief Systems

Explore from home

A lot of people may need to do all their work at home to help broaden their ideas of the type of environment they want to live in. That’s perfectly fine, and with access to the internet, even at the local library, it’s possible to explore lots of different belief systems or read up on psychology or belief systems to help you choose your future.

Explore the world

For others, travel is possible and effective. The world is full of differing ideals. Anyone who is able to get out of their environment- however far you’re capable of going, and for however long- just might get a taste of another values system, social patterns or behaviors that speak to you and the future you want.

Try new things

Trying a new social circle through local scheduled activities or volunteer work may help you to find other people who are also building towards a healthier future for themselves.

No matter how you choose to tackle your role as a pattern-breaker, this could very well be one of the most important investments of your time and energy that you will ever make. It is 100% completely worth it, even on your darkest days and in the face of your toughest challenges.

Conclusion

As someone’s whose gone through the process of breaking, then building healthier relationship patterns, I can tell you the journey isn’t easy. You will need to make tough decisions, but if you look at the life you’re living versus the future you want for yourself, (and your loved ones) any changes and perceived sacrifices you make will be worth it.

In the end, the things you think you are losing now may in fact be the things or people who are destroying your ability to thrive and enjoy your life; the losses won’t seem that way in hindsight and the benefits are immeasurable.

Be honest with yourself and those around you, rethink your options, stay focused and intentional and don’t forget to take care of yourself along the way!

May God Bless and Keep You

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